A Depressing Day

I’ve never classed myself as small, which could be a typical girl thing, but I have always been able to fit into my size 10 skinny jeans (even up to 20 weeks pregnant with Amelia!) so today was a really depressing day for me.

For the past 14 or so months since I was pregnant with Max and then since he’s been born I have been hiding away in my rather tatty and dirty looking maternity jeans turning a blind eye to the inevitable truth. I felt safe in my maternity jeans and whilst squeezing into a size 12/14 I was convincing myself that I hadn’t gotten much bigger that my pre baby body.

Today the truth was revealed and to be honest it smashed me right in the face like a double decker bus and had depressed the crap out of me.

With Christmas coming up and jack at a loss for what to buy me he took one look at my tatty, holey and dirty safe maternity jeans and put his foot down – I needed to reintegrate myself into the world of non maternity jeans and finally get some more.

(Stay with me, we’re finally at the reason for this post)

I picked up a size 14 and went to the changing rooms feeling pretty gutted that I was actually in need of a size 14 of anything. After an attempt at getting them on with no hope I summoned jack to hunt me down a *gulp* size 16. I kid you not I couldn’t even get the words out! After thinking I could possibly get away with these and daring to show jack, it turned out that actually. I needed a size 18.

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I won’t lie I did actually cry a bit.

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Not because there’s anything wrong with being a size 18, but because I hadn’t even realised my lack of self control and over indulgence had gotten this far and this out of hand.

I feel like a lump. Like a fat and frumpy mess.

It has made me realise that’s not only how I feel but also how I look to everybody else (again possibly the crazy typical girl psychological stuff but that’s how I feel.

My logic is this: I exercise for almost two hours whilst shedding blood, sweat and tears (occasionally all three (damn you sofa!!) avoid the chocolate bowl all day and then look in the mirror expecting to see Kim K looking back at me.
I’m pretty defeatist lately, and not just when it comes to losing weight. Seeing my still very frumpy (and now also grumpy) frame looking back at me it puts me in a right huff and makes me want to bathe in chocolate and I’ll most likely spend the rest of the evening hugging the chocolate bowl whilst devouring its contents (Make sense? Nope didn’t think so!)

I suppose I’ll be fighting a losing battle over the Christmas period but I’m feeling a little bit more determined to shift some of this extra baggage and bring my size 10 skinny jeans back out of retirement.

*****

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10 Comments

  1. I know it sucks right now, but I promise you will get there! I also found myself feeling low about being a bigger size after my 2nd. It took me almost 5 months just losing 1-2lbs per week by restricting my calories to around 1,200-1,500, increasing exercise (gently, I’d had som spd problems while pregnant) and walking everywhere, and also increasing my water intake. Eventually I hit my goal of losing 2st and was so, so happy. You will get there. It is so hard because weight loss is a marathon, not a sprint. I’d also reccomend the SparkPeople app, really helped me keep track of everything! xx

  2. I understand you! I have the same 🙁 I’m still able to wear my clothes before pregnancy but I know that I don’t look like before and I need to loose some weight and I’m fighting all the time for it but I think it shouldn’t be the most important thing. We have our precious babies and we were pregnant for 9 months so we need some more time to get our bodied back
    #FamilyFun

  3. I understand exactly how you feel. At their my pregnancy I was wearing size 12 maternity jeans. I knew I’d put on quite a bit of weight but after Rory was born I expected to fit into a size 14. Turns out I actually needed a size 16. It’s easier said than done but try to not let it get you down. With new year just around the corner you’ll have plenty of chance to give your diet an overall and get moving. My plan is to put it off until the new year! #picknmix

  4. I remember these days for sure. Don’t beat yourself up! You made 2 beautiful babies and that’s what matters the most. That jean size doesn’t define you. (Do I sound like your mom yet?) I had the hardest time losing baby #2’s weight which was shocking since I bounced back the first time. It’s frustrating but I promise it’ll get better! ‪#PicknMix

  5. Oh I am sorry to read that you were so upset. It is hard post baby and I don’t know about you but I just don’t get a minute to go to the loo alone let alone get to a gym! It’s defineitly hard.Lots of luck for the new year but don’t be too hard on yourself lovey. Have a wonderful Christmas and thanks for joining us at #familyfun x

  6. I so know this feeling, but bear in mind sizing is awful in shops. You can be several sizes smaller in one than another. I’m going to be on the whole cliche January health kick thing next year.

    Thanks for linking up to #PicknMix lovely and I hope Jack you and the mini ones have a great Christmas!

    Stevie x

  7. Oh no, this is really hard isn’t it!? Pregnancy weight and the pure survivial mode of cake and choclate afterwards is tough. Take one day at a time and youll get there. Do not panic. Hope you had a good christmas and havent been too hard on yourself. Sorry it’s taken me so long to come by from #FamilyFun (Christmas happened!!)

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